Gimme More? More Crack Maybe...

I would like to preface what I'm about to say, with this disclaimer- I love Britney Spears. I love her country bumpkin- pot smoking- I don't give a what attitude. She’s no snob- and in Hollywood- that’s respectable. That being said, what happened last night at the MTV Video Music Awards?

I’m baffled (probably shouldn’t be, but I am). I'd say she should fire all of her current staff- but I think she's done that a couple of times. However, if her choreographer hasn't been canned yet- it's CLEARLY time. The first thing I did as soon as she left the stage (besides remind myself to make an appointment ASAP for colored contacts) was call my best friend Becky to ask her what the hell just happened.

Britney looked like a train wreck. I'm not calling her fat by ANY stretch- but that body was a far cry from a few years earlier when she slithered around the stage with a python- which still encourages my own situp routine to this very day (don’t throw any post-baby rhetoric at me either- Heidi Klum walked the Victoria Secret Runway Show only 6 weeks after giving birth to her second child). Incidentally- I caught a glimpse of Brit’s 2002 performance on MTV Hits just minutes before the new award show- and it unfortunately illustrated how far downhill poor Brit Brit has traveled.

First of all, her dance moves were like my moms at the END of a bar mitzvah after she's had a couple glasses of wine and slowed down (my moms 54). Second of all, she was stoned. And if she wasn't stoned at that exact moment- she’s clearly smoked herself to the point of paranoia- because she looked freaked out. The lip-synching was off- ugg- it was a mess. Trust me, when 50 Cent and Nelly look concerned- it’s time to ask Jamie Foxx for some of his coke (poor poor poor Jennifer Garner).

Wake up Brit. I love you girl, but you gotta get yourself together. I wasn’t really concerned when you drove around with the kid on your lap- I mean you’re right- you ARE country like that. I wasn’t even concerned when you dropped one of them- nor when you threw out all of your underwear. How about this: I wasn’t even concerned when you married K Fed. I am now, legitimately WORRIED as I have never seen a performer- especially a performer with as much stage presence and talent- waddle through a performance with the look of a deer in headlights.

At this point, Brit's train wreck is like the War in Iraq. What the hell do we do now???? I can’t even fathom an answer that would right all of the wrongs. I mean my god- K Fed's lawyers are probably dying to introduce that toxic performence into evidence in court. I don't know Brit, lets start small I guess- have a cup of coffee- WITH espresso. But hey, like we always said during recruitment rush let's end on a positive. Great song!